Friday, October 14, 2005

Who am I?

-I ache to be loved, and to love.

-I want, need to be touched.

-I want to kiss and be kissed, by someone who means it, wants it, and needs it.

-I love my wife and two sons. I wish I had a daughter to love.

-Having children was the biggest event of my life.

- Raising children is the most important thing I will ever do.

- I am sometimes hostile to my wife and children (but am making great progress on that one).

- I feel forced into being a permissive parent, for balance, because my wife is such a punitive parent.

- I am intense, dependent, obedient, docile, introverted, inhibited, and have a passive-aggressive personality.

- I enjoy it when I am being extroverted and outgoing with others.

- I have difficulty making decisions.

- I have a lousy self-image.

- I am very sensitive to others. I hurt easily but always forgive, to a flaw.

- I have an OCD-type behavioral problem called compulsive skin picking (CSP) that causes inflammation of the skin on my face--the bane of my existence.

- I enjoy a few drinks now and then.

- I am a Christian in the Roman Catholic tradition who loves His church.

- I used to be skinny. Now I'm heavy.

- My head and heart are not as well integrated as they could be.

- I have exceptional self-control.

- I am always tense. I do not know how to relax. I wish I did.

- I can't let go.

- I am trying very hard to improve my relationship with God.

- I enjoy conversations with women immensely, to the extreme chagrin of my wife.

- I love intelligent women.

- I love women who love freely, warmly and spontaneously with their heart.

- I love women who love children.

- With women, I am a permission asker (unfortunately).

- My life has been a social, emotional and relationship wasteland.

- I was in therapy for 5 years and found it to be an enriching experience in countless ways.

- When I was single, I was kissed passionately by a women once, in a way that made me experience pleasure greater than I could have ever possibly imagined and greater than any physical pleasure I have experienced since. It was almost so beyond physical pleasure that I almost didn't know what was happening to me. The woman, who happened to have been divorced and anulled, had dedicated her life to God, and she ended our relationship because of that. I had initiated the
relationship, and she only entered into it reluctantly, as a friendship, not intending for it to get "romantic" which was what I was after. She expressed annoyance that she frequently got very aroused by me! At the end, she confided to me she was discerning whether or not to become a nun. I have no idea what happened to her.

- I hate social kissing.

- I started to go through the process to become a priest (about age 26) until the realization fell on me like a ton of bricks that I did not want to separate myself from women that way. Incidentally, my therapist (years later) thought that my interest in the priesthood was an attempt on my part to solve my depression. I think there is half truth to that. The other half is that I was always interested in the priesthood. After experiencing the very painful difficulties of marriage, the priesthood doesn't look so much more difficult now. I could still have friendships with women, just
no hanky-panky. But I'd still be looking for that Divine kiss! *sigh*

- I am in touch with my feelings most of the time, but it often takes me a while to figure out what I am feeling and therefore respond. This makes things difficult for me at times.

- I do not take ownership of my feelings. This is my biggest problem. If I could solve this problem I could be a much freer person. And if I'm going to sin, I need to learn to at least sin boldly. And I suspect that even this is freedom in Christ. It comes from an understanding that God loves us even in our brokenness and sin. This is strictly intellectual and I have not been able to make it part of my being (yet!).

- I wish humans would love me in my brokenness. I already judge and condemn myself more than any other human will judge and condemn me.

- I have occurences of foot-in-mouth disease.

- I periodically get intensely interested in something new. This usually lasts weeks/months and as a result I have a lot of knowledge about a lot of things, almost all of them of them useless.

- I have a few significant regrets in my life, all for things that I didn't do.

- I don't like many of the images and messages from society and the media about what constitutes manliness. I was taught in my Catholic high school that a real man is one who sticks to his principles, and I still believe that.

- I love rock, pop, and folk music. I am a serious jazz fan.

- I love to eat.

- I am a nerd. (I don't like the label, but I admit I fit society's definition).

- I wish I was more educated.

- I wish I was more creative.

- I wish I could be more spontaneous.

- I wish I had more friends.

- I would rather be famous than rich.

- I wish I had the time to read more books.

- I am a major procrastinator. (Just ask my wife.)

- I work in dilbertville (a cubicle in corporate America). I manage 4 people.

- I am a hard worker, with a strong work ethic and high standards.

- I want to volunteer for my town's first aid squad.

- I am thinking of a second career in something.

- I dreamed of being a published writer. I don't think I care now.

- I went to an all-boy Catholic high school and a college that was 90% male.

- I have wife that was born and raised in Hong Kong. I understand Asian culture better than most.

- I am 75% Irish, 25% German, by ancestry. 100% American.

- I come from a family of seven children. My father and later, my mother were grade school teachers. Our family is very close, but outwardly, emotionally cold. We are not cold inwardly; we just don't know how to express ourselves. Anger, on the part of our parents, was one emotion
that was expressed while growing up. We children were not allowed to express anger.

- I have had a history of losing my temper and going ballistic periodically , but I may be cured of this by now.

- I wish I was fluent in foreign languages.

- I have been over-protected my whole life, but now I feel that it may have made me a better human being, from not having become corrupted with cynicism as some other people have.

- Getting old is not bad. It's not having lived life to the fullest, when you can, that is bad.

- I am disappointed with my peers--men--who do not try and grow as human beings.

- I have been in the middle of some very difficult, upsetting and unresolvable cultural conflicts involving my family.

- I dated a psychotherapist once who, near the end of our brief relationship, told me that I was "all there." I take that to mean that I was psychologically whole, that I had all of the ego defense mechanisms operating properly. From when I was in therapy myself, early on, my therapist said that I feel everything. I think they were talking about the same thing.

- I cry when I am alone and think of tragedies that have happened to people close to me.

- I have been an intimate witness to the effects on adult survivors of childhood physical abuse, emotional abuse, and incest.

- I care passionately for social justice.

- I hate racism and bigotry.

- I believe passionately in the innate, God-given dignity of every human being, without exception.

- I ache to be loved.

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